Three Darwin Award Candidates

These three Charles River thin-ice-walkers are definitely in the running for the 2021 Darwin Award that “salutes the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it in a spectacular manner!” In others words, Darwin Award winners improve the human gene pool by taking themselves out of it usually in a remarkable way. The ice-walkers are certainly perfect candidates and, at this point, there is no news of their fate. The photo is by Eric von Hippel from his Esplanade condo.

The following is one example of a lofty winner and another of one who received Honorable Mention. For more on these, check out The Darwin Awards website https://darwinawards.com/   

Pinnacle Of Stupidity  One of the 2020 Darwin Award Winners

(28 October 2019, Japan) "Hands are numb...but must operate smart phone," muttered 47-year-old Tedzu to his livestream audience as he skidded and stumbled up the snow-covered Shubashiri trail of Mount Fuji. "I wish I had brought heat packs," he lamented, and then he was heard to say, "Wait, I think I am slipping!" 

62 miles west of Tokyo, iconic Mount Fuji is one of Japan's three holy mountains, a 12,389-foot volcanic summit visited by religious pilgrims, mountain climbers, and sightseers. The trek is cold and slippery even during the brief summer season, when amenity stations are staffed and available for the benefit of climbers. In the off-season, the stations are closed and mountain conditions are downright hostile and inhospitable. A winter climber needs the proper gear, climbing experience, and a booster pack of common sense.  Tedzu, alas, lacked all three…

Astonishingly close to the summit for an amateur winter hiker, Tedzu at last utters the anticlimactic words, "Wait... I'm slipping!" Experienced Mount Fuji climbers say, "If you start slipping, you have ONE chance at self-arrest before it's too late." Even now, Tedzu might drop his phone and jab his climbing poles into the ground...! But, no. In an instant it becomes apparent that his smart phone is the more intelligent one. Still live-streaming away, Tedzu begins an uncontrolled slide down the rocky snowy slope. Viewers are treated to a spectacle of feet flailing and poles tumbling free. A few seconds later, the phone footage abruptly stops, the final chilling image shows a climbing pole frozen in mid-flight.  (You can watch this here, if you dare: https://youtu.be/CoUJ7mLGFzA )

His viewers promptly alerted authorities. The 47-year-old's lifeless body was found the next day at an altitude of 9800 feet, 1000 meters away from where he began his fall. But for a little preparedness, the hero was lost. Gloves and crampons, and a sprinkle sense, was all Tedzu needed to create a spectacular livestream on the ascent of Japan's holy mountain, and he might have had another 47 years to relive and enjoy that experience. Watching the video, one can almost feel the "mind-numbing cold" Tedzu describes, but in the end, cold was not the culprit!  "Numb hands, numb brain."

A Gun Named 'Lorena'  2018 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin 

Good Guy With a Gun Defends Our Species

(27 Nov 2018, Arizona) The Buckeye Police Department reports that a man accidentally shot his own sausage while shopping in the meat aisle at Walmart. Arizona law does not require a permit (nor a holster for that matter) to carry a firearm, so our hero felt free to carry his piece "commando-style" (unholstered) beneath his waistband. When the unholstered gun drifted down into his jeans, he reached in and pulled the trigger while repositioning his weapon. This loose cannon's low hanging fruit didn’t have a chance. Firearm supporters can add this event to the arsenal of ammunition against gun control. Guns really do make a difference. 

Darwin Award? Odds are, our gun nut (pun intended) shredded his ability to breed and wins the uncommon Living Darwin Award: still alive but unable to reproduce. Otherwise, his reward is an Honorable Mention -- "better luck next time." We await further information.

Morale of these stories?

So, don't be like Tedzu or the shopper with the gun or the walkers on the Charles River ice, and use your common sense. And drop your cell phone when sliding down a mountain; don't take your gun to Whole Foods; and, stay off the ice!

Jane Hilburt-Davis